Simply Me

I thought I had received the best gift ever.

A week before Christmas, I was told I was pregnant. That news was the best Christmas and birthday gift to me. I called it the gift from Heaven!

I was very careful: I walk slow, I move slow, I eat healthy, I quit drinking both tea and coffee, I stop carry Ryan… I was so happy. I kept remind myself to be extra careful from the lesson I learned previously and superstitious reason I didn't tell anyone about the good news other than my family and Adeline. Adeline is the first to learned the good news. Everyone was very happy for me and Tony.

I wanted to share the good news with Val. Then I decided wait till the holiday is over when things are more stable.

Christmas holiday is fast approaching. I was thrill, I get to enjoy the quietness of 2 weeks staycation. My holiday start Dec 23. We don't have special plans for the holiday, except we're hosting two parties at home.

Tony invites his staff over on Dec. 27. The day before the party, I started the preparation. On Dec. 27, I was busy in the kitchen since morning. I stop from what I was doing when a friend visited me. While sitting in the dining room with him teaching me about W&WW stuff, there was a strange feeling inside me.

After V left, I continue working in the kitchen, put the strange feeling behind my head. I was on my feet all day, climbing up and down the stool. I'd done a lot of things that I shouldn't have done during the critical period.

While party reached the height of the night, I start to feel uncomfortable. I went to washroom, and there was spotting. I quickly went back to my room, get change and put my feet up. I start getting worried.

I couldn't rest. I fell into a deep fog of anxiety. Lying down on bed with my iPad reading about forum regarding miscarriage. In my heart, I was praying, please GOD, please don't take it away from me, again. PLEASE DON'T! DON'T GIVE ME HOPE AND TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME SO QUICKLY! DON'T HURT ME TWICE!! I promise I stay away from kitchen, from baking. Uncontrolled flow of tears wet the pillow.

Next day, thing got worsen. Tony rush me to ER. Sitting alone on the chair looking at the sick people in and out the room. ER of MSH is no stranger to me. In the past two years, I have been visited ER like a regular customer.

Did my blood work, ultrasound… HCG level remains high. Due to the early stage of the pregnancy, they couldn't detect heart beat. From the research I did, as long as the HCG level stay high, hope remains.

Another day past, no sign of improvement. My tummy started to cramp. The worst has arrived, cramping with bleeding is definitely not a good sign. All my hopes were dropped to point zero. Dr. Pyselman office still closed for holiday. I went to ER once again. Repeating yesterday test. No exact answer of whether I still pregnant. I didn't wait for the reports cos I know it's already over.

I was on bed all day for a week. Someday, I still keep the hope, hoping for miracles.

Jan 3, Carrie called me from Dr. Pyselman office. "I'm sorry, Alice. The result doesn't look too good. Your HCG level dropped 30% in just a day…"

Jan 4, see Dr. Pyselman. I told her I blame myself cos I was overworked on the day before bleeding. She look at me and said, "think of women around the world who tries to abort the baby, no matter what they did, they just cannot get rid of it…" "is there still hope?" "well… let's do the ultrasound. But looking at the decrease of your HCG level, I'm not positive" **sob** I know, I just trying to give myself hope.

Jan 5, did ultrasound. My favourite sonographer of Dr. Pyselman. A middle age East European lady, decent and soft voiced lady. When she saw me, she asked for Ryan. I know she's trying to find a topic to cheer me up. She remember Ryan as a very good boy. 2 years ago, I had an ultrasound appointment but I have to bring Ryan along. There is a rule in ultrasound room, no kid under 12 allow in the room. She wasn't very happy to see me carried a toddler into the room. I reassurance her Ryan is very good, he won't disturb. She was impressed with him cos she never seen a child that young quietly sitting on the chair without trouble.

As she started talking to me, my tears flow…I remember vividly on Monday, August 31, 2009 afternoon, I was in the same room with her… "it's a boy". I heard her but I didn't give her any response. She looked at me and repeat, it's a boy. I response softly, I know. I told her the strange pain I experienced. Every night, at around 2p.m. a very strange pain kept me up. At first she told me, nothing wrong. Then, she paused, her eyes stared at the monitor. She went out to get Dr. Pyselman. My heart sink.

I was sent home to rest while she is going to bring my case to her colleague in downtown and was told to come back in 3 days. That evening, I was sitting in the living room, replying Adeline email. When I got up, a gust of water wet my pant. Nightmare started. I was rush to ER for the first time. At the ER, I was put on bed and hooked up with IVs. I was scared, worried, and helpless. I couldn't help myself but sob.. I still feel his movement as I rub my tummy. "Baby, stay strong. Mommy's here."

Clock is ticking, no one attends to me. I started to bleed and the blood seep all over my gown and bed. A nurse came to me and told me to prepare for the worst. I broke down into tears. I held her hand, "please do something to save my baby".

I was pushed into a familiar room. The last time I was in this room was when Ryan was born. It was the joyous moment. Today, I'm here again with completely different experience. Everyone was tired. Ryan didn't know what was going on, he knows mommy is in a lot of pain. He dare not go near my bed. In the wee hour, he slowly climbed up to my bed and slept beside me.

The fetal movement has slowly stopped. "Please baby, please don't leave mommy". Helpless. It was hurting to see my baby slowly died inside me and I'm not able to do anything to help. It was the worst experience ever. Everything happen too quickly.

Dr. Arnold sat down by my bed, with gentle voice, we chatted for a while, he planted a tiny hope in me. That night was long and dark. I heard baby cries coming from next door. New arrival to the world. I'm sure that room is filled with joyous, contradict with the environment in my room.

Next morning, I was wheeled to the ultrasound room. The technician silently stared at the monitor, she left the room, came back with a radiologist announced the bad news. My tears burst out like a broken dam.

That morning, Dr. Virro induced me. The worst part is I had to gone through the whole labor process, the same familiar contraction that every new mom experience. The only different is, after the labor pain, instead of new life, I gave birth to an angel.

My angel, Riley was born on September 1, 2009.